Welcome, unsuspecting readers, to Strange BUT Untrue News. Have you ever wondered what the dear Professor does when he's not catapulting researchers across the uncharted reaches of space? Well, he spends most of his time trying to get round to updating this site, you ungrateful little...
Anyway, at Strange BUT Untrue News we aim to bring you the top news stories in the world. But we can't. So here's some entirely self-centred stuff I thought up.
WARNING: Parts of this site may be edited by my alter-ego, that strange and quite frankly frightening being that calls himself simply 'John'. I therefore take no responsibility for anything true that may by chance appear on this page. Should you come across anything, report it immediately and I will give you... well, I'll give you the warm and fuzzy feeling of a job well done, okay?
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|DATE||NEWS (AND THE OCCASIONAL OLD)|
|05/11/01||Well, they tried to silence me by deleting my website, but they could never succeed... well, I suppose they did succeed for a month (or was it two?) But no matter! I'm back - bwa-ha-ha-ha-haaa!!!! Of course they tried to silence me because they thought I knew too much - well more fool them!|
Anyway, you'll notice that the site is now residing on Tripod, which means very little to you except that the banner ads have changed. Of course, when I work out how to successfully hack into the server (on the way to taking over the world) there will be no banner ads at all. But until then you're stuck with them - so just click them into the background and ignore the media brainwashings. If anybody's going to advertise around here it's going to be me. I can see it now: "Research assistants wanted... risk of fatal catapult accident less than 100%..."
|Edited above diary entry down from the 3000 words it became during bout of writing enthusiasm.|
|24/12/01||So, Christmas is coming, and the goose is getting fat. Or at least the one in the lab is, now we've genetically crossed it with a sumo wrestler. Come to think of it, I'm not sure how we're going to manage to catch it without getting flattened...|
The lab is now decorated up with more than the usual chemical stains all over the walls, and the place is looking rather jolly. The Institute Christmas party was a great success, if you don't count half my research team mistakenly shrinking themselves to microscopic size after having too much to drink, but I'm sure we'll find them. Now where can I hire an anteater?
Christmas is going to be rather lonely this year for your favourite Professor, because I am currently without a partner (lab-partner, I mean... honest!) to spend the festive season with. However, I do have other plans: ever dedicated to the interests of the public, I have decided to investigate the existence of Santa Claus. So as I wait underneath the chimney (alright, air vent) tonight with a large fishing net, practising my interrogation technique, I will also be thinking of questions of importance to us all such as "How do you deliver all the presents without ever breaking the Cosmic Speed Limit?", "How did you achieve immortality?" and "Where's my present?"
See you in the new year!
|10/02/02||Well, here I am back from the hospital folks - it just goes to show, you should never leave beakers of acid around where Santa can reach them and use them to help him escape. He's got a mean left hook for a fat guy...|
On the bright side, emails from loyal fans of the site have recently given me the courage to go back and write some more of that most fearful of entities, the Strange BUT Untrue Madness Test. I confidently predict that this mighty epic of a test will be available to the general public some time in the next three stages of eternity (or around this summer, for those of you who feel you need to know).
So now it's coming up to Valentine's Day, but not for much longer! Beware people of Earth, for I plan to take over Hallmark Cards and begin publication of a new batch of cards for the new improved February 14th celebration: 'Strange BUT Untrue Day'! That'll show Britney Spears for refusing to go out with me!
|31/05/02||Sorry I haven't written for a while folks - didn't I tell you this would be an erratic news page?|
The thing is, I was all set to raid the card store, I had a whole batch of 'Strange BUT Untrue Day' cards ready to make the switch, and then I met this girl stacking the shelves who kind of took my mind off my evil schemes for a while. Ours was a whirlwind romance - no, really; I took her to see my patented wind generation machine and we didn't find the floor for days!
But she was an artist, I was a scientist, and like novelty shaped ice-cubes in a beaker of hydrochloric acid, it couldn't last forever. We broke up yesterday, but please (my adoring public) save your tears. I've learnt a lot in this last few months (like what those letter price codes on cards mean for one thing) and I've had some great times along the way.
Now, back to my evil schemes...
|03/07/02||Well, some actual news about the site this time - the Madness Test is finally up and running, so feel free to tackle this awesome adventure into the Abyss of Insanity as soon as you can spare a few days. Also feel free to tell me what you think - either by email or on the guestbook (see home page).|
In my actual life, my alter-ego has just finished his exams, and will be going to Warwick University in October to study Maths. I told him he should do Phydlstics or Pharmacy, of course, but he wouldn't listen. Never mind - if need be I'll just have to take over his body and lock myself in the science labs a few times a week. I bet they have lots of great explosive bubbly liquids at University...!
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