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Strange BUT Untrue

The environment - ten steps to a dirtier planet

Pay no attention to those who say we should clean up our planet - they are lying. Dirt, after all, is what most of our planet is made up of. The last thing we really need around here are conservationists coming around and sweeping the whole world up into a great big dustpan! Besides, if God had meant us to clean up after ourselves he would have given us vacuums. Wait a minute, no... he would have given us free vacuums. And top of the range ones too.

So Strange BUT Untrue is proud to present the ultimate guide to doing your bit for the environment; the Ten Steps to a Dirtier Planet:

  1. When doing the dusting, collect all the dust from the vacuum bag and sprinkle it liberally across a nearby lawn (though obviously not your own).

  2. Do the same with kitchen and garden waste, although allow it to compost properly first.

  3. Do the same with human waste.

  4. Discourage land reclamation from the sea: This wastes valuable Dirt by chucking it into the water where it is never seen again.

  5. Never recycle any waste; you are depriving landfill sites of huge amounts of Dirt.

  6. Grow your own volcano: By simply drilling several miles down into the ground, you can encourage new Dirt (called lava) to rise to the surface. This has the advantage of completely flattening your town and all the people in it - making them one with the Dirt.

  7. Dig up all the concrete in your local area: Concrete is not true Dirt. Use a spade, because it's quieter than pneumatic drills.

  8. Also dig up all the plants - they remove nutrients from Dirt. They may look prettier, but they're not doing the environment any good, okay?

  9. Drive your car everywhere you possibly can, and then leave the engine running when you're not driving it. Petrol is clearly not Dirt, but the smoke that comes out of the exhaust pipe looks more like Dirt, so we've decided it's close enough.

  10. Build a huge spaceship, fly over to Mars, drag the red planet back to Earth and smash them together. Lots of lovely Dirt everywhere. We have yet to persuade any world leaders to adopt this strategy, so maybe if you have a couple of billion pounds spare you'd like to give it a go?

Follow at least 7 of these steps, and you are eligible to join BrownPeace, Strange BUT Untrue's own ecology group dedicated to spreading muck and happiness all over the globe.

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