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Strange BUT Untrue

Jeanetics - another marketing ploy by Levis?

Many aspects of Squidgy Things Science covered so far fail to interest the general public. People claim this is because they do not wish to know what goes on inside their bodies, although in reality they are just scared of blood and guts. But in order to regain its popular status, Squidgicists decided they had to make up a new branch of the science involving no opening bodies up.

The result was Jeanetics - the astounding theory that you can tell everything about a person's characteristics just by observing the trousers they wear. The theory was first advanced after it was noted that members of older generations had a tendency to wear flares whereas young people these days tended towards fashions such as jeans. Squidgicists wondered if other features such as hair or eye colour could be determined by fashions, and how they could predict which people would buy which trousers.

It turns out that the fibres of any pair of trousers are made up of little ladder-shaped strands all curled up. These strands are DNA - Deniminucleic Acid. Under the microscope it is possible to see that each rung of the ladder is constructed from other chemicals each of which is a different colour - blueine (the dominant colour in jeans), blackine, brownine and whiteine. These are what give trousers their overall colour, and they are also a clever code that tells you everything about their wearer. Very bright and clashing colours are caused by a mutation in the jeans, and the people that wear them are often a little odd as a result.

Some scientists say that jeans are passed down from one generation to the next, but this is clearly rubbish - who would wear the hand-me-downs of a previous generation, after all?

The science of Jeanetics is set to revolutionise the modern world - or at least it would be if the government would stop making up new laws to stop it (spoilsports). Just by nicking a person's trousers it should be perfectly possible to clone them by forcing someone else to wear them for a while. Experiments have so far drawn a blank at Strange BUT Untrue because we keep being arrested for theft and assault, but rest assured we will one day be the first to successfully clone a human being. As for fears that one day the dinosaurs could be brought back to life and terrorise the planet - we are pleased to lay these to rest as dinosaurs wore no clothes on their lower bodies.

If you wish to take part in Jeanetics research, just send a pair of your trousers through the post and we'll have them back to you in a couple of weeks along with a copy of you. Women will be pleased to know that Jeanetics' sister science - Skirtetics - is progressing well, and any donations of these through the post will also be gratefully received.

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