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Strange BUT Untrue

The Universe (and how it technically never really began)

The universe is very big. Or, the universe is smaller than that. No-one seems to be quite sure which is true; so we at Strange BUT Untrue devised a clever test to work it all out. We went outside, looked up at the sky, thought "That's huge, that is" and came inside again. So - the universe is indeed very big, and no smaller. This makes all people on earth no more than insignificant specks, although on the bright side some of us are well-dressed insignificant specks.

Then there is the argument as to whether the universe is in fact growing as we speak. A similar test was constructed for this one - we got another guy to stand outside and look up, and he thought: "I do not see the Universe getting any bigger" before returning with his findings. There is no need to worry. The universe is not getting bigger. You are no more insignificant than you were yesterday.

After making these two revolutionary findings, we had a little lunch, and then someone said: "But how and when did the universe begin?" We knocked him out for introducing more work just as we had been about to finish for the day, but nevertheless the silly idiot had brought another problem to our attention.

The theory most acceptable to modern science is the 'Small Bang' theory. This is a much more ordered and neat version of the Big Bang, designed to incorporate religious creation theories into modern science and so avoid World War Three. It says that in the beginning there was no space or time, and then the universe exploded from a tiny point of squashed energy, guided and supervised by a supreme being called God. Religious and scientific texts were amended, and everybody was reasonably happy.

We saw a problem with this theory immediately - if there was no space or time back then, the universe couldn't actually have begun at any time or place. So the universe never began, therefore it doesn't exist now.

This theory pleased us, because whenever people asked us questions from now on we could point out that the universe doesn't exist, so the answers are unimportant and don't exist either. Our attempt to assert that the people asking the questions didn't exist was a bit of a letdown: just because they no longer existed didn't make it any easier to ignore them. So then we took the matter of existence into our own hands and shot them - which worked decidedly better.

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