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Strange BUT Untrue

Electrickery (and how come it always stops working when you're watching a TV program you really like)

Electrickery - we're all familiar with how it lights up our homes, makes our gadgets work, and sometimes even kills us. But what actually is Electrickery, and how does it do these great and wonderful things? Would anyone like to tell me? No? Well - I'll just have to make something up then, won't I? Yes. Good. Right.

Electrickery is in fact a god. We know this because it is Omnipresent (all over the place) and Omnipotent (it powers everything). It also likes to throw lightning bolts at people it doesn't get along with. They say lightning never strikes twice, but if it does; it's probably best to start treating the electrical appliances in your home with a little more respect.

This helps to explain the purpose of Power Stations - they are in fact not producers of Electrickery, as they claim, but merely large temples built to honour the god. Sacrifices of coal, oil, gas, nuclear fuels (and people; but the government likes to keep quiet about them) must be made regularly to ensure that Electrickery is kept happy.

So, what do you, a foolish mortal, do if you accidentally drop and break a toaster or hairdryer? Electrickery will be angry, and you have no spare fossil fuels to hand. Well, the best thing to do is dress up in clothes made from Electrickery's enemy god: Plastyk. Yes, that tacky-looking material is also a god - it's a lot less temperamental, and it's very good at protecting you from Electrickery. You should then go around kissing and apologising to every electrical appliance within a radius of one mile. Ignore the fact that all your neighbours will think you're some kind of freak - do you want to get struck by lightning? Electrickery will then deem that you have embarrassed yourself enough for one day and may continue to live.

Then you have to say sorry to Plastyk; because you've just dragged him around the whole neighbourhood looking at electrical items, which he hates. Refurnishing your house with only plastyk items should do the trick. At this point however, you may begin to wonder whether there is any point in living due to the fact that everyone you know will now avoid you and your house completely. In this case, simply climb onto the roof of your house in the middle of a thunderstorm, shout: "You bastard - I hate you!", then throw your hand high into the air just as the storm goes overhead. All your worries will then be over.

Scientists have many words to help describe Electrickery - Volt, Amp, current, charge, resistance. But they all boil down to one thing: scientists don't want to admit the truth and so make up lots of nonsense to try and cover it up.

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