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Strange BUT Untrue

Time Travel (and Buggering Up the fabric of causality)

Time is another dimension, just like the three we move about in during our everyday lives. Many people would have you believe it's dimension number four, but we have actually measured and found that (surprise, surprise) they're wrong. Time is dimension number seven, because the other three are hiding under the kitchen sink.

It is quite feasible to travel in time, thanks to a simple formula discovered in 2050 (on this site, in fact), by Joseph Meaucowe. He is currently in nappies, but on making his discovery he was kind enough to come and tell me so that I could put the formula on the site, so that he could discover it in 2050, so that he could come back and... you get the idea.

The formula for time travel is so simple, you won't believe me when I tell you it. That's perfectly alright, because it isn't supposed to be used until 2050 anyway, and I think Joseph said he had it patented as far back as 1900 so far... Anyway, enough with the suspense; here is the formula:

"Time is money"

Or, to use poncey mathematical symbols:

"Time = Money"

I know. Brilliant, isn't it? What do you mean, you don't get it? Alright then, let me explain it properly (for Joseph's benefit as much as for anyone else's, since he's got to invent it properly in 50 years time and he's a pretty thick chap by all accounts.)

Since time = money, it follows that money = time. With me so far, Joe? Good. The principal is that just by accumulating a large enough amount of money in one place, it is possible to use the time stored in the money to catapult yourself forwards or backwards in time, and with pinpoint accuracy.

The only trouble with this method of time travel is the fact that you need absolutely huge amounts of money in order to go any respectable distance. The entire funds of seven or eight largish countries are needed just to make it into the middle of next week. This, not surprisingly, results in complete chaos in the space/time accountinuum. But you don't need to worry, because you'll already be elsewhen.

The main reason that people don't bother to research time travel is not (as they say) that it's not feasible, but mainly because they are afraid of paradoxes. A paradox is a creature that steals your time machine, goes back in time and kills your grandfather, without even consulting you first. Another thing people worry about is meeting themselves in the past. This isn't really a serious problem either - it just gives you a much better idea of what to say the second time around.

Joseph didn't mention whether he had any colleagues back in 2050. But if you look him up, I daresay he'd probably be glad of some volunteers to help him make loads..... of........ money..............

If you'll excuse me, I just have to make a quick phone call to my old mate Joe.....$$$

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