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Strange BUT Untrue

Astronautomy (and how to bring the Universe to your doorstep)

Astronautomy is a special branch of Phydlstics devoted to looking at things you can never touch. This includes all the stars and planets of course, but it has also been expanded to museum exhibits and supermodels. The main things people in Astronautomy concentrate on are:

  1. Looking at the things.

  2. Devising totally implausible ways to reach them, in order to continue to receive funding.

Part one normally involves the design of instruments to help you see the object more clearly. For Space Astronautomy (the stars and planets) the telescope is normally used, but for Ground-Based Astronautomy (such as spying on the neighbours or stalking people) a good pair of binoculars is best.

Both these devices appear to use funny pieces of glass to muck around with the image before it goes into your eye, but thankfully the real explanation is much more complicated and inaccessible to ordinary thick people. Binoculars and telescopes actually send out invisible lasers which go out and scan the scene, before returning and supplying the magnified image to the eye. The devices which make the lasers and deliver pictures to the eye are also conveniently invisible, as is the power source. This doesn't explain how Galileo managed to invent a telescope in the 16th century, but he was probably supplied with one by aliens or something convenient like that.

As for reaching the planets, stars, or superstars you've been observing, just use your common sense - you're never going to make it. To reach stuff in outer space would take rather longer than it is possible to live, and as for superstars... you may end up serving long sentences in jail, as I...umm, sorry, one of my research team... found out the hard way when I... he attempted to put some Britney Spears Astronautomy into practise. Fortunately we are still receiving funding for that one, and are confident that another attempt will be made soon.

Strange BUT Untrue have launched many space programs, among them the Cosmic Speed Limit Breaking Programme. We also founded SPACE - the Space Programme's Advocates of Crashes and Explosions. We go on day trips to NASA launches and sabotage the rockets, then jeer as they come hurtling back to Earth wasting millions of dollars of Government money and maybe wiping out a few towns into the bargain. More often than not, we don't actually have to bother sabotaging them, come to think of it...

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